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Such a technological mismatch had not been seen since the arrival of Hernan Cortes and his plucky band of Conquistadors, five hundred years before.
Back then, the Aztecs, Tlaxcalans and Quesadillas had no real answer for the plate steel, Toledo swords, arquebuses, cannon, horses and war-dogs of the gold-hungry Spaniards.
Though the Conquistadors numbered only a few hundred, in a matter of months, under the inspired leadership of a minor gentleman from
Extremadura, they were able to conquer a vast and wealthy empire that controlled much of what we now call Mexico.
Of course, it didn’t help that the Aztec emperor, Montezuma, insisted on slaughtering huge numbers of his own subject-peoples and building pyramids with their skulls, all in the name of appeasing his non-existent gods. There are better ways to build loyalty, I think we can agree.
Montezuma’s long-suffering slaves were champing at the bit and only too willing to ally themselves with the mysterious pale-skinned, red-haired men who came in boats. Some even said these men were mythical beings themselves, returning from a long vacation abroad…
But still, this doesn’t change the fact that European technical brilliance, as much as native disunity and superstition, played a crucial role in la conquista de la Nueva España.
At the beginning of this month, history did one of those rhyming things it does, when the full might of the US military was brought to bear on Venezuela and its own little Montezuma, the dancing communist dictator Nicholas Maduro.
For quite some time, we’d been told that any attempt at military intervention against Venezuela would be an unmitigated disaster. It’s a huge country, with nasty jungle terrain; Maduro has a massive army and lots of shiny new Chinese and Russian equipment, they said.
Iraq times a hundred.
Afghanistan times a thousand.
Don’t you dare!
And then—well, we all saw what happened, didn’t we?
Maduro’s boys might as well have been wielding sharpened tacos and catapults loaded with refried beans, so pathetic were their attempts to defend themselves and their leader.
Not a single American was even injured in a stunning raid that whisked Maduro and his wife away from Caracas to a Brooklyn jail.
Some rather uncharitable folk suggested Maduro’s hapless Latrino henchmen were simply too dim to operate the fancy Huawei radars and missile systems, but it turns out that wasn’t actually the case.
The Gringos had a secret weapon that disabled the equipment; and then they turned it on their human enemies, to the same devastating effect.
In the aftermath of the attack, surviving soldiers described a piercing sound, then a strange, unspeakable pain. Noses began to bleed, last night’s supper began to make its way back up the oesophagus and out of the mouth at high speed, sphincters unpuckered.
Some Maduro soldiers lost all control of their muscles and began doing the famous Cha-Cha Slide, finally collapsing with exhaustion after hours of taking two steps to the left, two steps to the right—if they hadn’t already been put out of their misery by a cornfed WANGHAF from Nebraska, that is.
I jest, but the descriptions of what really happened are scarcely less absurd.
Many believed the US had deployed a particle-beam gun of some kind, a special weapon whose existence has been rumored for decades. I remember seeing one on that show Future Weapons that aired on the Discovery Channel in the days when I had a lot more hair.
Weeks later, at last, we’ve learned the truth. In an interview with The New York Post, President Trump confirmed the existence of “THE DISCOMBOBULATOR.”
Discombobulate, verb: “to confuse or disconcert (someone).”
“The Discombobulator. I’m not allowed to talk about it,” Trump said, before talking about it.
“They never got their rockets off,” he continued, describing how the weapon “made [enemy] equipment not work.”
“They had Russian and Chinese rockets, and they never got one off. We came in, they pressed buttons and nothing worked. They were all set for us.”
Trump didn’t say much more. He didn’t give us any real details or say who makes the weapon or how it’s deployed. But we know it’s real.
All very exciting, of course, and a serious warning to America’s competitors who had backed Maduro, as well as the silly little regional popinjays who think they can taunt the US and flood it with migrants and drugs, without consequence.
But if the US has a real Discombobulator—a weapon of unmatched power that confuses and disconcerts her enemies (and sometimes allies too)—it’s obviously President Trump himself.
Just this week, we saw him confusing and disconcerting the world’s globalist elite as he went into the lion’s den at Davos.
Trump pulled no punches. He called renewable energy a “disaster” and said European leaders are “destroying” their countries through mass immigration. He said the US has “never gotten anything from NATO,” and he reiterated his calls for the US to acquire Greenland for the purposes of national security. He threatened more tariffs and said the era of “free rides” at America’s expense is over.
There is still no man better suited to the task of upending the globalist system and reasserting the principles of national sovereignty and self-interest than Donald John Trump.
So here’s what I say.
Long live the Discombobulator!
Long may his enemies suffer nosebleeds, vomit and shit themselves!
