Image Credit: Twitter 
It’s hardly been the best of starts for the new ayatollah, Mojtaba Khamenei.
Iran’s most senior cleric, its supreme leader, hasn’t been seen in public ever since it was announced he would be replacing his father in that most coveted of roles.
I mean, you can understand why, can’t you?
If a senior member of the Iranian regime even makes a brunch reservation these days, he’s liable to get a huge side order of high explosive to go with his shakshouka or whatever the hell they eat instead of avocado toast over there.
Pilaf? Baba ganoush? Rice and peas?
Anyway.
Mojtaba’s father, his wife and his daughter have all been killed by the Israelis, and the rumour is Mojtaba himself was badly injured along with them in the devastating first wave of attacks two weeks ago. They say he’s lost a leg and may not even be fully conscious. He exists purely as a figurehead—albeit an invisible one—while a faction of the Revolutionary Guards does the real string-pulling behind the scenes.
In an interview yesterday, President Trump seemed to confirm this rumor, describing Mojtaba as “damaged… but probably alive in some form.”
Ouch. That’s the kind of thing you say when your friend goes on holiday and you kill their beloved hamster by sitting on it.
The Iranians deny this, of course. They say Mojtaba is only “lightly wounded” and “still active.”
My money’s on President Trump, for what it’s worth. It’s hard to think of a more plausible explanation for why the supreme leader was replaced by an actual cardboard cutout at the official “allegiance ceremony,” in a scene reminiscent of South Park (when they used cardboard cutouts and the jokes were still funny). Surely if the man’s alive somebody could at least have got some grainy camera-phone footage ready for his big debut? I guess not. Perhaps they just do things differently in Tehran.
Laugh all we want at the “cardboard cleric,” but the situation on the other side isn’t really that much better. In fact, “damaged… but probably alive in some form” makes a pretty good metaphor for MAGA right now.
Maybe.
At this stage, it’s still too early to assess the damage. Let’s look at the polling. Aggregated national surveys suggest about 43% of the great American public are pro-Operation Epic Fury and 50% are against. Separate polls of Republicans, however, show overwhelming approval. One poll showed around 85% of Republicans support the war and want it to continue, and self-described “MAGA conservatives” gave the war a rollicking 94% approval. Trump’s personal approval rating is also pretty much the same and may even be a little bit higher since the war?… conflict?… special military operation (two weeks to take Kiev)?… began.
People are screaming like mad on Twitter, but Twitter is mostly a platform for hysterical faggots, people who think Erika Kirk eats babies, and Indians masquerading as e-girls these days, so it’s hard to set much store by what you see there.
At this stage, then, it doesn’t look like Trump has lost his base, and it’s the base that matters.
None of this is intended as a vindication of Trump. It’s a matter of public record that I think the war is a dangerous gamble that shouldn’t have been taken, not only because it imperils Trump’s domestic agenda but also because it further enables Netanyahu’s insane apocalyptic plans to settle scores that should remain firmly confined to the pages of the Old Testament. MAGA has nothing to do with Amalek. With a name like that, Amalek should be deported. Bye bye, Amalek!
Perhaps more than any in recent memory, this war is both confusing and confused—as evidenced by the fact that nobody, not even members of Trump’s cabinet, really knows what to call it, and no clear set of aims appears to have been established.
Trump just said the war will end “when I feel it in my bones.” Okay then.
The fog of war has always been real, and only more so today. You don’t need to read pretentious French philosopher Jean Baudrillard—the man who inspired The Matrix films—to understand that in an age that is “hyperreal,” the control of information, symbols and narratives matters every bit as much as the control of bridges, bunkers and beachheads, if not more.
You also don’t need to agree with Baudrillard that the Iran War somehow “isn’t happening.” Unlike the first Iraq War, which really was something like a giant staged spectacle, this war or whatever it is isn’t just for show. The outcome is still very much in doubt.
Threats to close the Strait of Hormuz have yet to materialise, and attempts to mine it appear to have amounted to nothing so far. Yesterday, the US struck military targets on Kharg Island, which plays a vital role in Iran’s oil production. Trump has promised more strikes if the Strait is blocked. A Marine expeditionary force—thousands of Marines—is on its way to the Gulf. Iran is promising to “molest” them. The US Navy is expected to start escorting oil tankers through the Strait “soon” according to Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent.
It’s hard to know what to make of all this. Really, it is.
The war is already metastasizing. After Wednesday’s rocket attacks, Israel is now gearing up for a full-scale invasion of southern Lebanon, the biggest since 2006, all the way to the Litani river, to destroy Hezbollah and its missile capabilities. The Israelis have US approval, with the caveat that all efforts should be made to preserve the Lebanese state.
But since when was the cry of “moderation” ever heeded by Benjamin Netanyahu?
Then again, he may be dead too. Blown to smithereens.
Is that five fingers or six on his right hand!? Why are his teeth so fucked up!?
Maybe you should try taking your meds for once. You’ll feel better…
But seriously. The longer this goes on, the higher oil prices climb, the more Americans feel the pinch in their pockets, the more soldiers die, the less it looks like there’s a plan or an exit strategy—the more MAGA and its leader will look like cardboard cutouts of the real things they once were. That’s one prediction I’m certain of, whatever the polls say now.
